Lament 2: Cry Harder

[Shroom Man 777]

mang i'm gonna release some of my inner fatso sadsack whining

this girl i'm interested in and who is totally cool and who i just invited to the movies i bumped into her (again) at the jogging place and she's with a guy and they look pretty cozy with each other and mangs....


v____________________________________________________v

[Bounty]

mang i'm gonna release some of my inner fatso sadsack whining

this girl i'm interested in and who is totally cool and who i just invited to the movies i bumped into her (again) at the jogging place and she's with a guy and they look pretty cozy with each other and mangs....


v____________________________________________________v

Well she agreed to the movie, so at worst you get a movie and a life experience and at best she's totally hots for you and was telling her brother/ gay best friend all about you.

It's win-win.

[Shroom Man 777]

^______^

thanks waffles-kun


its paradoxical i enjoy tangoing with scary motherfucks every weekend and i think getting bent like a pretzel by their ridiculous kung fus is the best thing ever

but girls zomg argh blurgh i'm fatfatfat

[RyanThunder]

Oh. Oh! So, you see yourself as a 'sadsack fatso' and your wants/needs as 'whining', so when anybody else displays similar wants/needs its 'sadsack fatso whining'

Why didn't I think of it sooner? It all makes sense now. You just hate yourself!

...You should probably stop doing that, though, mang. It's not good for you.

[evilsoup]

for once I'm going to have to agree with ryanthunder, I think you're way too hard on yourself shroom

[Shroom Man 777]

yeah, it's true i don't deny it

i'm gonna confess that there are (lots of times) that i see myself as a fundamentally broken down person

lots of times life is just awesome and i have no problem

but there are just these times of sudden uncertainty and unpleasant things



i believe that there are times we just need to get slapped out of our moments of fatness and become lucid

and i guess what hacks me off the most is that i know i can be capable of so much more, so these moments of weakness and fatness and sadsackness are just even more blergh

(and yes, a lot of the things i see that hack me off are exacerbated when i recognize them as failings i too possess/ed)



(i personally blame this bullshit on my urgh upbringing surrounded by deranged asshole people and privileged background of mid/upper yuppie pretentious comfortable douchery)

(so it's no surprise i guess that i've got a lot of negativity, especially towards people of similar background of privileged mid/upper socioeconomic privileged blah)

[Crazedwraith]

I wasn't going to comment 'cos I have no basis upon which to give dating advice. But I totally get where you're coming from there Shroomz.

Most of the time, I'm totally fine, happy, content with where I am in life and stuff.

And then others, like when I'm nervous and there are changes coming up something. I'll suddenly remember I'm like the worst character of the nerd with no social life, ever and it'll really get me down. And I know at that point that I'll feel better soon but I'll realise it'll just me sinking back into complacency about my sadsack existence.

So no advise. But just 'You are not alone'. I hope that helps.

[Oxymoron]

Where can I sign on in this club ?

[Shroom Man 777]

here's a secret

a lot of my loathing stems from the fact that there's this traditional standard of uppity well-to-do-ness that folks from my background (upper-class well-off ethnic chinese businessmang families in feelipeens [though this also applies to other chinese communities elsewhere i bet]) are supposed to conform to to be "proper" and seen as upstanding and "decent" and "good" and "right"

i've never conformed to that, never fit in, part of me always thought that was a load of bullshit, that it was all pretentious, and i want to go live a decent less pretentious less full of bullshit life

but still, that background is etched in my brain since i was raised in that environment, so there's still some irrevocable bit inside me that... well, when i look around and see the world that i decry and loathe, i know that there are probably folks there who say "oh shroom what a bum/failure/shmuck/loser he's not a good old doctorb/lawyer/businessmang/banker making monies being all well-dressed and well-behaved and talking like some boring dour chinese shmuck, this guy is totally not gonna have any future at all because he's not conforming to our Proper Traditional Way of Life of Richness and Blah"

(ps. chineses in general look down on those who don't conform to their lofty preconceptions of how the world is, and there is also crypto-discrimination chineses have towards non-chineses, "we" do segregate ourselves in subtle ways, the mercantile minority chineseses do comprise a socioeconomic elite in places like the feelipeens)

plus mixed this with a childhood spent in a deranged super-born-again psycho fundamentalist school urgh


it's hard to chart your own existence when there's an ingrained portion in the back of your head that has been pre-programmed to say that what you want to be/who you want to be is "unworthy" or whatever, and that the environment also reinforces that bullshit

its all bullshit social isolation mental marginalization crap i should just ditch like baggage

its hard. i don't have a compass. most pre-fabricated reference points from upbringing and environment are full of shit. no instrumentation. no navigation. lost. scared.

i should go devil may care and go with the wind and just drift and not give a shit and i try to do this

but god damn there are times that ugh all this ugly shit, all this hesitation and fear and anxiety and hate (yes hate) brought about from all sorts of negative reinforcement just regurgitates like an overstuffed toilet


i've made progress. i'm less hesitant to do things - i am no longer paralyzed by groups of people and such - than i was a year ago, lots of progress really

i've remade parts of myself, i can actually be proud of parts of who i am

i do things and have managed to cultivate things that were not given to me, things that can't be taken away, intrinsic things that i find worth in, that i've devoted time to develop and shit (eskrima, writing, job, whatever) and its helped developed confidence and self-respect and all that jazz and i can look people in the eye and be what i am, yes

i no longer feel as hollow as before, where all i was was just shit that was given to me, shit that was never mine, inherited, could be taken away (yipee well-to-do chineses upbringing)

but i'm still a work of progress

idk



i don't really have to say all of this true shit to internet people. but i guess with all the ridiculous bullshit from me that the interwebs has to put up with, rantings and everything, strakking and fatties and etc., i should at least critically appraise myself too in the spirit of equality and freedomizationness

[Shroom Man 777]

it's a bit like those moments that some atheists have... there's still somewhere in them that still hasn't shaken off the firebrand christian upbringing

except, aside from that, i've got doses of other kinds of "lifestyle withdrawal/rejections/flashbacks/pangs"

i may be overthinking all this bullshit, but yeah

i'd be in the frappuccino upcoming patrick bateman yuppie fancy shmancy credit card nice car crowd if things went "as planned" hobnobbing with the sons and daughters of the well-to-do of this fucking island with its fucking obscene disparity between rich and poor

but i hate that shit

and when i say shit i mean it and i'm a pretty shit liar and i can't bear interacting in that pretentious environ

and idk, yeah, i'm being too brutal to myself, but we can't play favorites now, can we


i have to let go. its not easy.

but everything for the last few months is just me trying to be better, trying to fix myself, to change

not changing to fit anyone else's preconceptions

but changing for the better, so that i can live with myself, claiming identity, self-respect, self-understanding, all that kind of shit

because, jesus christ

there's a big fat fucking soul-imperialist concentration camp of the mind all around us and we've got to set ourselves free

[Shroom Man 777]

one last thing

yeah, i should realize that almost everyone save for sociopaths or something, are similar too, lost, seeking identity, assurance, etc.

we're all trying to navigate across the fog of war

but anyway, the last thing i'll rattle on in this triple post is this:



one of the reasons why i'm so easily pissed off when it comes to first worlders/westerners/whatever assuming preconceptions about third world peoples and cultures and shit (ryan you know what i mean by this) is because the people from my background - the ignorant well-off yuppies from my own social strata - also assume virulent ugly shit about people who are "lesser off" than they are

but when i see and come to know these people from different stations of life, i see that they're actually free of the vain pretentious bullshit that suffuses folks from my background, they're more honest, they don't pretend to be something they're not, there's no bullshit, they're not a bunch of hypocrites unlike the well-off assholes who take their lot in life for granted and just talk shit about everyone else around them despite not understanding jack shit about those they are discussing, despite living in another world of safety and comfort and antiseptic leisure compared to what these folks have to deal with in their everyday lives

these guys from way different walks of life, i admire them

and i regard them more highly than a lot of the pretentious blehs i've had to deal with in my meatspace existence

its just fucking obscene how life and the world and the country and the elite and the others mistreat them

its despicable


what this has to do with shroomy dating issues, nada. i'm just explaining myself, or parts of myself, because, well, eh

a lot of things have happened since now and then, been more than a year since i started eskrima (really helped change me), been months since the whole unfortunate domestic incident, i've been working for more than a couple of months, things have changed, a year ago i was a horrible total sadsack, now i'm goofing off at work, etc.

i guess this is like a routine not-quite-bi/annual checkup and psycho-spiritual mentallo-emotional endoscopy to see the metaphysiological status of my organoids

[Oxymoron]

Shroom, if one day by chance I get to go near Cebu,

we should definitely catch a drink and eat a fertilized egg together.

[Shroom Man 777]

[evilsoup]

well as long as you realise you're not alone in having those kind of feelings, there's nothing of real substance I can say.

I know this'll sound hella flippant but: have you considered doing standup comedy? IDK if that's a big thing in the Philippines, but if it is then that's a great seam of self-loathing you could mine for profit.

[Oxymoron]

Goddamn, I hate it when they ask us to deliver assignment during a period where we are at work and not at school.

As if we only had their fucking assignments to think about while we're in our respective companies.

Fuck you, English teachers.


Well, at least I can't complain, the work was piss easy for me, didn't even take me an hour to do all the work I had to do. Still, that's really not cool for everyone else.

[Zod]

I spent 8 hours cobbling together 20 lines of vba code in Excel at work today and felt completely out of my depth the whole time. At least the boss seemed happy with the results, now I need some vodka.

[Straha]

So I placed an order with Amazon for sheets and two sets of socks about a week ago (I have an Amazon Prime account, so it makes sense.)

One of the sets of socks was great, the other was seven bucks but only came with one pair of socks. This would not do for me so I went online to return the socks. Instead of letting me return the socks Amazon told me that I'm a valued customer, that I can keep them, and they'll just refund me the money.


That's pretty nice of them. I think I'm going to buy more stuff from them.

[Zod]

Only in New York can you find people willing to give you booze for free on almost any night without needing to have a pair of tits.

[Phantasee]

people in other places can find people willing to give them booze for free on almost any night, with or without breasts

these people have 'friends'

an antiquated concept, i know, but sometimes the old ways are best

[Zod]

people in other places can find people willing to give them booze for free on almost any night, with or without breasts

these people have 'friends'

an antiquated concept, i know, but sometimes the old ways are best

Here I thought mooching off friends all the time made you a freeloader.

[Gands]

Sparring is weird.

I still can't get over my own violence issues and connect. I always pull my punch, even though we're all big guys and supposed to connect with hits. We wear all of the safety gear.

Though apparently I did develop an insane look in my eyes when sparring. So there's that.

[Phantasee]

people in other places can find people willing to give them booze for free on almost any night, with or without breasts

these people have 'friends'

an antiquated concept, i know, but sometimes the old ways are best

Here I thought mooching off friends all the time made you a freeloader.

mooching off strangers all the time also makes you a freeloader

so i don't really see your point

[Losonti Tokash]

Sparring is weird.

I still can't get over my own violence issues and connect. I always pull my punch, even though we're all big guys and supposed to connect with hits. We wear all of the safety gear.

Though apparently I did develop an insane look in my eyes when sparring. So there's that.

i assume they have you guys practicing with board and hit pads, yeah?

if not they're a good idea, school i learned at had no-contact sparring and instead we broke boards and whatnot

[Gands]

i assume they have you guys practicing with board and hit pads, yeah?

if not they're a good idea, school i learned at had no-contact sparring and instead we broke boards and whatnot

By hit pads, do you mean these? We practice punching and kicking them each lesson.

[Losonti Tokash]

yeah exactly