Lament 3: Cry Hard With A Vengeance

[Losonti Tokash]

Men are programmed to be aggressive by evolution and that we need to teach kids gender roles or else they'll rape each other. I'm not seriously engaging him at this point and more trying to see what he'll actually come out and say.

He's also casually dismissing anyone who disagrees with him, insulting me for dismissing his theory, then engaging in ableism to insult everyone arguing with him.

[Sandman]

This sort of thing tends to be a good example in favour of men supporting certain types of feminism... the simple fact that the tradition of socially-imposed gender roles is also quite harmful to men. Perhaps not quite as harmful as it is to women, but still something that causes vast and nearly-irreparable harm.

[timmy]

The other day my daughter told me that she'd gotten a bit of shit from classmates for having a voice like a boy and what to do about it. My advice was 'ignore them and don't worry about it. In another eight years time your voice, and everyone else in your class, will sound different to what they do now.'

I don't know if that's in the spirit of gender neutrality but it's what I intended.

Also, this is clear and to the point:


http://youtube.com/watch?v=eZxv5WCWivM

[Straha]

wow lagmonster is uh

really intense

The dude is a straight up fritata. I've exchanged with him over the question of eating meat a couple times (what else?) and his arguments make no sense, and whenever shit gets tough he bails. I think last time he went all in on choice good, which isn't really an argument when it comes to that sort of thing. It in no way surprises me that he's pretty biologically constructivist.

[Aaron]

Did you just all him an omlette?

[Infinity Biscuit]

Man it sure is always fun to have a well-intentioned straight cis guy come into a thread for LGBTQ people and triumphantly announce he's found the solution to all bigotry: just stop acting so flamboyant, people.

PS not on sd.net if anyone went looking in there for it

[Crazedwraith]

look dude, the nail that sticks up gets hammered, right?

[Straha]

Did you just all him an omlette?

Yes.
It's an old insult that helps to get beyond the ableist rhetoric I don't like to endorse.

[Phantasee]

Frittatas are not a real thing and I refuse to believe in them.

[Bounty]

So I was supposed to go to beijing for a few days with sone of the other Belgians here. Except I won't, since they just went ahead and booked their train and hotels, and they'll 'see me there maybe'. Fukcing cunts. At leats have the goddamn decency to tell me I'm getting ditched.

[Djinnkitty83]

So I've been kind of avoiding certain forms of socialization for a while. Over the past few months personal issues had been aggravated to the point of mental breakdown, and I've finally gotten around to getting myself into professional therapy. While we haven't gotten a fix on the exact causes, or treatment yet, we've picked at my issues and realized that, for pretty much as long as I can remember, I've been dealing with some severe form of self-loathing. To the point that as far back as I can remember, I've never been really happy or comfortable with myself.

I know I'm not the most talkative on here, but one thing I've discovered is that I tend to subconsciously gravitate towards individuals with similar psyches to my own. And so I'll repost an explanation I made of my own personal issues on the off chance that others here might be suffering from the same thing to some extent, and can hopefully draw some comfort in the fact that not only are they not alone in it, but that it's a treatable problem...

March is already over.

So far this first year in Chicago has been flying, and unfortunately for me it has been living up to its reputation as the fourth most miserable city in the US. Fortunately I've actually made more progress towards changing my personal mental situation in the past couple of months than I have in years. But I felt it might be worth it to try and explain what's been weighing on my happiness since as long as I can remember, either in case the therapy's unsuccessful, or I relapse at some point in the future, or just for others to look at and maybe realize they're not alone if they have the same/similar issues.

Over time I've come up with a two-part metaphor that I think pretty well explains what my problem is. Most people I know of don't live and/or work completely alone. Never mind the fact that economically it's just not feasible for a majority of people, there are plenty of other reasons for it as well. While there's no perfectly cohesive living situations, there are instances that come pretty close to it, and on the other end of things, almost everyone I know has lived or worked with someone they can't stand.

Think about that latter instance. Think about that room-mate, or that co-worker, that is likely near the top of that special mental list of people you intend to hunt down, should you ever completely snap. You know the one, where you've regrettably gotten to know and despise each and every one of their quirks, where the very aura they project seems to work towards bringing your own day down through accumulated annoyance. The person that you can only sit quietly in your own seething puddle of rage, yelling inside your head but never able to state out loud, "Don't they know how fucking aggravating they are?" Because it's never one simple thing you can put your finger on, it's just the accumulated pile of their personal failings, their bad habits and their social maladjustment that has conditioned you into despising them with every fiber of your being.

Now think of another type of person that annoys the ever-loving hell out of you. The insufferable asshole who is impossible to please. The one who could have everything they ever wanted handed to them on a silver platter, and they'd find room to complain that the platter's workmanship isn't up to their standards. You owe them nothing, they have no 'official' power over you, yet somehow they manage to worm their opinions and their judgment into your psyche, so that no matter what you do, they will find a way to let you know that it doesn't meet their standards.

Have you got a good mental image of both those people? Hell, can you think of a few examples that match them? I'm sure most people can, they've had to live or work with them at one point or another.

I live and work with both. Every day, every waking moment, because both of them are me.

That is what self-loathing is. You have a room-mate, a coworker, someone who's with you every single moment you're conscious. They the one who is constantly judging you and perpetually reminding you that you are falling far short of expected standards, and they are the one that is constantly disappointing you and reminding you through thought and action just how much of a failure they are. And you can never get away from them, you can never look forward to the day when the lease is up because they'll be moving to wherever you're going... because they are you. They are both the miserable, unhygienic slacker with a whole train of embarrassing habits and social quirks who's doing nothing with their life, and the impossible-to-please, happiness-crushing taskmaster who will mercilessly rip apart everything you attempt to accomplish.

Everyone has some measure of self-judgment, but it's usually a healthy thing, something that hopefully inspires people to work towards something better while still leaving room to be comfortable with themselves. I don't have that. I have a voice constantly pointing out that I am not doing good enough, that I owe everyone more, that I am capable of more and if I am not constantly striving towards it, I am a complacent failure at life. And there is no end point, because if I ever achieve anything, the bar is immediately set higher and I am reminded that I am a failure if I remain at that level. And when I give up through sheer mental exhaustion, that voice is vindicated in its judgment and gleefully points out that, as expected, I have achieved nothing of worth and am a disappointment. It's a self-fulfilling prophesy of failed expectations and misery which can be logically pointed out for the unreasonable, irrational standards that they are, but emotionally have thus far proven immune to rational attacks.

And this is what has been inside my head for as far back as I can remember, my life constant plans and attempts to find some escape or chance to run away to the background sense of futility over the fact that it's rather difficult to run away from something that's stuck in my subconsciousness. The happiest moments of my life have been nothing more than the briefest escapes from my own crushing irrational self-judgment and hatred of who I am, even if they have little to no bearing on an actual rational analysis of my merits and flaws.

So yeah, it's not an attempt to fish for sympathy or anything like that. More just me flat out stating what the hell's wrong with me with the hope that during my worse moments, I can look back on this and remind myself that it is more due to my fucked up mentality than any objective failures on my part. And hell, maybe other people in similar situations can look at this and realize not only that they aren't alone in their self-loathing, but perhaps there's a chance that it's all in their heads, and thus can altered with extended effort, and give people like me a chance at actually being happy and comfortable with themselves.

[Oxymoron]

So, basically, if I understand it right, what you're saying is that you need to chill the fuck down and learn to live with yourself ?

[Aaron]

Good work on getting into treatment, thats a hard to step to make.

[The Spartan]

My car got rear ended this morning; sitting at a stop light at that. Fortunately it's not too bad, I won't have to pay for anything out of pocket (knock on wood) and I'm not hurt. Unfortunately, well, it happened at all and I do have some minor work that will need to be taken care of on the rear of my car.

I'm still shaken up a little.

[Flagg]

My car got rear ended this morning; sitting at a stop light at that. Fortunately it's not too bad, I won't have to pay for anything out of pocket (knock on wood) and I'm not hurt. Unfortunately, well, it happened at all and I do have some minor work that will need to be taken care of on the rear of my car.

I'm still shaken up a little.

Dude, go to see a doctor. You probably have whiplash. You'll know for sure if you can breath without agony in 3-4 days, or if you get examined by a doctor. Because back in 2001 I got rearended at a stoplight in a Geo Metro and had every muscle in my back shift left about 2 inches. Took months of physical therapy and I still have nerve damage. I didn't feel bad until 3 days later and then I could barely move. Seriously get checked out.

[timmy]

Yeah, agreed. Step in the right direction.

[Flagg]

And if you do have whiplash, sue the fuck out of them. I didn't and I've regretted it ever since. Especially since the bitch didn't even exit her car to check and see if I was you know, alive.

[The Spartan]

The soonest I could see a doctor would be 3 or 4 days.

Edit: And given that I lifted weights after work and then went for a run, I suspect I'm alright. Plus I have a history of neck problems that likely would have let me know, in no uncertain terms, if I had re-injured it. (Believe me, I've re-injured it doing the most innocuous things and it hurt so bad I had to get the doctor to put me on anti-inflammatory steroids.)

[Nietzslime]

In the space of 45 minutes I was taken for a girl, left locked outside my apartment without phone, wallet, or keys, threatened with citizen's arrest, entered a ditzily unreal parallel universe where nobody had basic organisational or money-handling ability, and tipped 65%. Best burritos ever. Eating at restaurants alone does not have to be nearly so boring as you might think.

[Losonti Tokash]

Do you live in a sitcom

[Nietzslime]

at this point i'm leaning towards yes

[Djinnkitty83]

So, basically, if I understand it right, what you're saying is that you need to chill the fuck down and learn to live with yourself ?

Oh man, why didn't I think of that?

Wait, I did. I've been trying that for years, in many forms. Unsuccessfully. Because it's a fucking deeply rooted mental problem that I'm forced to seek professional psychiatric treatment for.

Granted, I might be taking your statement more seriously than I should.

But for the others, yeah, it's something I should have gotten help for a long time ago. It's just recent events pushed my fucked up psyche into overdrive and made it pretty clear it wasn't going away without help.

[Oxymoron]

Granted, I might be taking your statement more seriously than I should.

Indeed you did.

Sorry if my comment hurt you, though.

If I might note, you seemed to take what I said as criticism, while I was just asking a question / being humorous / trying to cheer you up. I know I'm in no way qualified to give other people advices about their personnal life, but could I suggest you to work on seeing life positively ?


What I mean is, I had been a pessimist for years, always seeing the bad side of things, being discouraged at the prospect of failure,

Until I had enough of it and forced myself to be optimist and always recognize first and foremost the good things, in the world, in others and in myself.

And, well, I still have my issues to solve... but at least I'm not crushed under the feeling that it's all useless anyway.



I guess what I'm trying to say is : cheer up, relax, and don't hesitate to share your load with us, we got your back.

[RyanThunder]

Well as long as we're sharing deeply-seated personal issues, I have a (loosely) similar problem where things I have no control over whatsoever upset me. Then the fact that I have no control over them upsets me, because they don't make sense and I'm never, ever, ever going to be in a position to do anything about that.

People have suggested that I just ignore them, care less, etc. Of course, this simply isn't possible, because the mere act of pretending everything is okay reminds me that I'm modifying myself against my own wishes to fit into a reality other people have control over (and consistently make worse) but that I do not. Which upsets me further.

Sure, I can forget about it for a while, but inevitably something reminds me; a news story, some idiotic pop song, a billboard--and then that incessant little voice worms its way back into the forefront of my psyche (shouting, of course) "everything would be so much better if you'd all just shut up and listen"

But I think I'm getting better at dealing with it. I'm worried, however, that my method of dealing with it may cause it to just get stored up until I can't contain my outrage any longer and I get into an incredibly pissy mood. I really don't know what else to do, though.

[Oxymoron]

Deliberately put yourself in situations you have no control over and try to learn from the experience how to deal with your issue(s), rinse and repeat until you're comfortable with not being in control ?