New Testingstan

Zablorg wrote:wow lagmonster is uh

really intense

Aaron wrote:Did you just all him an omlette?

March is already over.

So far this first year in Chicago has been flying, and unfortunately for me it has been living up to its reputation as the fourth most miserable city in the US. Fortunately I've actually made more progress towards changing my personal mental situation in the past couple of months than I have in years. But I felt it might be worth it to try and explain what's been weighing on my happiness since as long as I can remember, either in case the therapy's unsuccessful, or I relapse at some point in the future, or just for others to look at and maybe realize they're not alone if they have the same/similar issues.

Over time I've come up with a two-part metaphor that I think pretty well explains what my problem is. Most people I know of don't live and/or work completely alone. Never mind the fact that economically it's just not feasible for a majority of people, there are plenty of other reasons for it as well. While there's no perfectly cohesive living situations, there are instances that come pretty close to it, and on the other end of things, almost everyone I know has lived or worked with someone they can't stand.

Think about that latter instance. Think about that room-mate, or that co-worker, that is likely near the top of that special mental list of people you intend to hunt down, should you ever completely snap. You know the one, where you've regrettably gotten to know and despise each and every one of their quirks, where the very aura they project seems to work towards bringing your own day down through accumulated annoyance. The person that you can only sit quietly in your own seething puddle of rage, yelling inside your head but never able to state out loud, "Don't they know how fucking aggravating they are?" Because it's never one simple thing you can put your finger on, it's just the accumulated pile of their personal failings, their bad habits and their social maladjustment that has conditioned you into despising them with every fiber of your being.

Now think of another type of person that annoys the ever-loving hell out of you. The insufferable asshole who is impossible to please. The one who could have everything they ever wanted handed to them on a silver platter, and they'd find room to complain that the platter's workmanship isn't up to their standards. You owe them nothing, they have no 'official' power over you, yet somehow they manage to worm their opinions and their judgment into your psyche, so that no matter what you do, they will find a way to let you know that it doesn't meet their standards.

Have you got a good mental image of both those people? Hell, can you think of a few examples that match them? I'm sure most people can, they've had to live or work with them at one point or another.

I live and work with both. Every day, every waking moment, because both of them are me.

That is what self-loathing is. You have a room-mate, a coworker, someone who's with you every single moment you're conscious. They the one who is constantly judging you and perpetually reminding you that you are falling far short of expected standards, and they are the one that is constantly disappointing you and reminding you through thought and action just how much of a failure they are. And you can never get away from them, you can never look forward to the day when the lease is up because they'll be moving to wherever you're going... because they are you. They are both the miserable, unhygienic slacker with a whole train of embarrassing habits and social quirks who's doing nothing with their life, and the impossible-to-please, happiness-crushing taskmaster who will mercilessly rip apart everything you attempt to accomplish.

Everyone has some measure of self-judgment, but it's usually a healthy thing, something that hopefully inspires people to work towards something better while still leaving room to be comfortable with themselves. I don't have that. I have a voice constantly pointing out that I am not doing good enough, that I owe everyone more, that I am capable of more and if I am not constantly striving towards it, I am a complacent failure at life. And there is no end point, because if I ever achieve anything, the bar is immediately set higher and I am reminded that I am a failure if I remain at that level. And when I give up through sheer mental exhaustion, that voice is vindicated in its judgment and gleefully points out that, as expected, I have achieved nothing of worth and am a disappointment. It's a self-fulfilling prophesy of failed expectations and misery which can be logically pointed out for the unreasonable, irrational standards that they are, but emotionally have thus far proven immune to rational attacks.

And this is what has been inside my head for as far back as I can remember, my life constant plans and attempts to find some escape or chance to run away to the background sense of futility over the fact that it's rather difficult to run away from something that's stuck in my subconsciousness. The happiest moments of my life have been nothing more than the briefest escapes from my own crushing irrational self-judgment and hatred of who I am, even if they have little to no bearing on an actual rational analysis of my merits and flaws.

So yeah, it's not an attempt to fish for sympathy or anything like that. More just me flat out stating what the hell's wrong with me with the hope that during my worse moments, I can look back on this and remind myself that it is more due to my fucked up mentality than any objective failures on my part. And hell, maybe other people in similar situations can look at this and realize not only that they aren't alone in their self-loathing, but perhaps there's a chance that it's all in their heads, and thus can altered with extended effort, and give people like me a chance at actually being happy and comfortable with themselves.

The Spartan wrote:My car got rear ended this morning; sitting at a stop light at that. Fortunately it's not too bad, I won't have to pay for anything out of pocket (knock on wood) and I'm not hurt. Unfortunately, well, it happened at all and I do have some minor work that will need to be taken care of on the rear of my car.

I'm still shaken up a little.

Oxymoron wrote:So, basically, if I understand it right, what you're saying is that you need to chill the fuck down and learn to live with yourself ?

Djinnkitty83 wrote:Granted, I might be taking your statement more seriously than I should.