Joke thread for jokes

[Bakustra]

From the good folks at SomethingAwful:

Me: Angry Nintendo Nerd, what tag should I browse on Gelbooru?
James Rolfe: ASS

So post all the worst jokes you've stolen from other, funnier people. Tell the Aristocrats and I will exsanguinate you via iTunes.

Another, original one:

So former Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger is in Heaven and he decides to try his hand at comedy. He goes down for open mic, and he starts off with a little bit on halos and harps, when somebody loudly boos him. He keeps calm, and starts again, and again somebody boos him. He smiles nervously, skips to the next joke about wings getting caught in doors, and he's booed for the third time. Losing his patience, he snaps, "Do I come around to where you live and slap the dick outta your mouth?" and the heckler holds up a copy of the concurring opinion in Bowers v. Hardwick and says, "Yeah, actually you did." and the bouncer throws Burger out. He lands in the seventh circle of Hell, next to Jerry Falwell, who says "Tough crowd up there."

This is why I don't tell too many jokes.

[Bakustra]

So post all the worst jokes you've stolen from other, funnier people.

Your posting.

[Oxymoron]

who is tyler durden

[Agent Bert Macklin]

What do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh.

[timmy]

Alright so we've got this arab oil sheik, crazy rich as you can imagine. He has three sons, aged 21, 17, and 9. Christmas is a month away and to celebrate consumerism he asks his sons what they would like as a gift. The 21 year old asks for a Ferrari. The 17 year old asks for Eric Clapton's 'Blackie' stratocaster. The youngest asks for a cowboy outfit. Fast forward a month and it's December 25th. Underneath the tree is a brand new Ferrari(it's a big tree) for the oldest, a guitar case containing the coveted instrument for the middle child, and that's it. The 9 year old looks sad, but he father says 'It's down at the docks. We'll go pick it up.' So they all jump in the Ferrari and drive down to the waterfront. A huge shipping container is being craned off a freighter. 'Here you are son, your cowboy outfit!' They open the container and inside is the United States Congress.

[Veef]

a jumper cable walks into a bar
the bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything"

"two antennas get married"
"the wedding was alright but the reception was incredible"

[evilsoup]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says: 'Is this some kind of a joke?'

This one was told by a comedian in a wheelchair:
'An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. Showoffs.'

[Flagg]

Racism.

[Civil War Man]

Vatican police recently arrested an unidentified man who tried to streak through St. Peter's Square. The man attempted to escape by fleeing into the Basilica, but he was caught by the organ.

[Manus Dei]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says: 'Is this some kind of a joke?'

This one was told by a comedian in a wheelchair:
'An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. Showoffs.'

Three men walk into a bar.

Well, I say men. The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit.

The Father says, "two beers please".
"What?" asks the barman. "Nothing for the Holy Spirit?"
"Him? He can't drink, he's ineffable! He's merely an anthropomorphic representation of the abstract concept of my divine will!"
"So, an orange juice for him then?"
"Please."

[Flagg]

So a guy is driving along the beach and sees Michael Jackson standing there. The man stops and sees a woman lying on a towel and she is pissed. She turns to Jackson and said goddamnit, get out of my son.

[evilsoup]

...I don't get it.

[Crazedwraith]

It's a pun. Get out of my Son (sun). It's not funny.

[evilsoup]

ooh, oh ok then.

[Flagg]

It's a pun. Get out of my Son (sun). It's not funny.

Puns are never funny.

[zhaktronz]

But they sure are punny

[Flagg]

But they sure are punny

That's what I was looking for.

[evilsoup]

'I'm afraid it's bad news, sir. The tests have come back and you've only got five to live.'
'Five? Five what, doctor? Five months, five weeks, five days -- what?'
'Four...'

[joviwan]

The doctor comes in with his clipboard while his patient sweats in his seat.
"Alright, son, I'm afraid I've got good news, and bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?"
Mr. Patient thinks about this, wrestling internally with how he wants this delivered. He decides. "Hit me with the good stuff first, Doc, gimme something to look forward to."
"Your penis is going to grow six inches over the next three months."
Mr. Patient blinks. "Doc, that's terrific news! What could be bad?"
"It's malignant."

[Veef]

but what about my random screen caps from Steven Seagal movies